I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
