you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
