a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
