I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Randomize
