hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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