I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize