The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
