hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
