I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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