I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
