remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
