mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
