I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize