I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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