Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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