There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
