This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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