she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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