wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
