I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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