jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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