I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
