do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
