I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
