Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Woke up backwards on a recliner
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
