I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
