i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
