so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
