He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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