HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize