I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
