True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
