you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
