My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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