Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
