To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
