DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
