those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
