Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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