We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Sorry about my life...
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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