Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
