On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
