Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
