I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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