My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
