Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I will be naked everywhere
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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