If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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