I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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