Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
