Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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