Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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