listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
