i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
