Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
no you cant smoke seaweed
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
