Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
