I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
