My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Randomize