Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize