Who did Billy Mays play for?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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