The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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